You are who you are
by FlyingPigsAreEverywere
Summary: Lovino was lucky. He wasn't dead. He had been found, the man who kidnapped him was in jail. Apart from the scars he was physically fine. And he's going back to school again. No one will know what's happened to him. He'll be just like everyone else. Because he doesn't need anything or anyone at all damn it! Spamano AU.
1. Prologue

_You are who you are_

_Warnings: Past abuse, blood, mentions of rape, curse words_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia._

1105 days, three years and 10 days. For so long have I been here. In this tiny room. In the darkness. 1105 days, for so long have I not seen any natural light. For so long have I not been outside. For so long have I only seen three people.

The Demon and his sisters. That's what they are. They come here. They feed me; make sure I'm still alive. They won't let me die. Because believe me, I've tried. But here's nothing you can use. Or well, there's plenty. But nothing you can reach from where I am. Chained to the wall. Only the Demon can use those things. And it's never enough to kill. Just to make me scream. Because that's why I'm here. To scream and scream until I have no voice left.

His sisters never hurt me. They are the ones to give me food. One of them just puts the food in front of me and takes care of my wounds while I refuse to eat. I suppose that she's kind. The other one however is a completely different story. She comes here and stuffs me with food and water. Choking me with it. Makes me have to swallow. Makes it impossible to even starve myself to death.

The Demon. The Demon. I don't even know his name. I've asked him. But he only smiles his childish smile and looks at me with his violet eyes. He never answers questions I ask about him. Or any question. Except for one. _Why are you doing this? _The answer is always the same. _Because you deserve it. Because you are a filthy rat that deserves nothing but pain. You're worthless, polluting the world with your existence._And maybe he's right. I'm not exactly the best person in the world. Maybe I should be in pain.

I remember things from before I was here. I used to be a pretty normal kid. I had a brother, his name was Feliciano. We were twins. I was born first, but everyone always loved him the most. He was so happy, always talking and charming everyone. I was in the background. Always compared to him, never good enough.

And then he died. We were twelve. My parents and I survived, but he died. And I survived. Why? He was so happy, innocent, cute. While I was always pissed and screaming. Not loved by a single person. Why couldn't I die? I'm the oldest I'm supposed to die first.

But nope, Feliciano died. And then just days after the funeral I was taken by the Demon. I don't know how, I just woke up here. I suppose that that must have been a relief for my parents, not having to see a Feli copy everywhere they went.

I can hear footsteps. It's the Demon. I've learned by now how to hear who's coming here. The demons steps are heavy, loud, smashing down on the floor. But slow always slow. He's taking his time. Never in a rush. The Demon, tall, heavy, with violet eyes, a childish smile and a long, very long scarf. He always wears that scarf around his neck. Always the same. It has spots of blood on it.

The steps are coming closer and the door opens. He's there, looking at me. The pipe in his hand. That's his favorite thing to beat me with. The thick metal pipe that can break bones. He smiles at me. Soon the walls will be covered in more blood.

**AN:** So that's the prologue to my first multi-chapter fanfiction that I've written. I hope that it was okay and I would be really happy if you could review and tell me what you think of it.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.

Chapter 1:

_He's coming. I can hear his steps. Pain. Pain. I don't want any more pain. _

_The door opens. He's here. In my room. Violet eyes looking down at me. I'm paralyzed, as always, sitting on the concrete floor. Please, just no pain. We look at each other, and he smiles. The same smile he always has. The innocent, childish smile. But in his eyes you can see the madness. You can see how sick he is. How he's longing to crush you. And he will._

_The demon. He leans forward and takes my chin in his hand. I start to breathe faster, starting to panic. I don't want this. Please. The demon leans even farther forward and presses his lips to mine. I try to get away, like I always do. And I fail, like I always do. _

_"You pathetic little boy", he says when he finally breaks away. "You're worth nothing. Your parents aren't even looking for you. They think that it's good that you're gone. You're pathetic." The demon goes to the shelf on the other side of the dark room. The one with all the knifes. And whips. And other horrific things to inflict as much damage as possible, without killing. No, no, no, no, no, no… Please, not again. The demon takes a knife from the shelf. A big butchers knife__, __covered in brown dried blood. _

_He turns to me. Coming closer. When he reaches me he takes my arm. My arm that's covered in scars and scabs. Please no._

I open my eyes. Just a dream. It was just a dream. My heart beats quickly in my chest. Just a dream. I look up on the ceiling; it's white, just like the walls of the room I'm in. Slowly I sit up in my bed and press my nails into my arm. Why won't it stop? I'm bathing in sweat and I can't make my breathing slow down. Because even if it is a dream. It still happened. Over and over. So many times I can't even count it.

I look at the clock on my bedside table, it's 5.36 am. I sigh as Itake the tomato plushy next to me and hug it. I don't need to wake up for another hour, but I don't want to go back to sleep. I can't, then the dreams will come back again. I always dream about him, almost every night since I got out, well and when I was there too. But it has become more since they found me.

That was a year ago, when I had been gone for a little over three years. I don't know exactly how they found me, but they apparently did somehow. I can't remember much. Actually, I don't remember anything from the first two months. I was apparently very badly hurt and hospitalized. Then, the rest of the year I spent in the hospital, rehabilitating from my injuries and having therapy. I came home from there a couple weeks ago and now I'm going back to school. Today actually. I live with my grandpa. My dad is dead. He committed suicide after I disappeared. Or more like, after Feli died. The fact that I was gone was probably just a relief for him. My mom has apparently gone back to Italy. To her family. I haven't talked to her. The doctors say that she's very unstable and not ready to talk to me yet. That she's still too confused and scared. But that's not true. She just doesn't want anything to do with me. No one wants to. And no, I'm not having tears in my eyes. I'm just allergic to… ehm… I have an allergy, okay? I don't give a fuck about them.

School, school. It starts today. Fuck. I've been gone for three years so obviously I've missed a lot. But since I've had tutors all year now I've managed to study enough to just need to start one year under what I should be. So I'm going to be a sophomore in High School. That's not the thing that really bothers me though. It's the people. I don't do well with a lot of people, especially not guys. I don't know if I should go back to school already, but my psychiatrist says that it's good to get back to your old life as quickly as possible. At least I managed to convince my Grandpa not to tell the school what happened, so the teachers won't be treating me any different from the rest of the idiots, hopefully. And I won't need to come up with as many lies to everyone else. Just pretend that you moved in with your Grandpa after your parents death. End of story. Perfect.

I still go to a psychologist twice a week, since I'm not considered mentally healthy yet and still get flashbacks of what happens sometimes. My psychologist is really scary looking and quite quiet. He's also always bugging me and trying to make me tell him about what happened. Telling me that it will help, and that I need to work through my fears. But what if I tell you that I'm not scared. And I don't want to tell you? Huh, think about that. This leads our meetings to be very quiet.

I get abruptly shoved out of my thoughts by my alarm clock that decides that it's time to start beeping. After four failed tries to turn it off I finally succeed and get up from the bed. I get dressed- a green shirt and jeans, nothing fancy- before going downstairs to eat some breakfast. I slam up the fridge and am about to yell at my grandpa that we have no food, when I remember that he's still asleep. And not even I'm stupid enough to want to deal with him before he has had his morning coffee.

So after a shitty breakfast I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and fix my hair. I look the same as I always do. With brown hair that looks okay except for that one curl on my right side that refuses to lay down- no matter how much I try. Shit's impossible. My face is the only part of me that's not covered in scars. For some reason The Demon always refrained from doing any large damage to it. He would slice my arms open and break the bones in my legs, but he never did any more than punching my face. I don't know why. I lean closer to the mirror and for a moment I think I see Feliciano's face there, instead of mine. Smiling happily like he always does, only difference older is that he looks than when I last saw him. But it only lasts for a second. Then it's my own face that's glaring back at me again. I sigh and decide that I should probably get going to school or else I'll be late, not that I care.

Damn it! Why is this school so big? And there are so many people everywhere that it's impossible not to walk into someone. What the fuck happened to personal space?!

I continue to walk through the large school trying to find the reception where I apparently have to fill in some papers- and get my schedule. I'm going into school a week into the semester since the doctors said that I needed to adjust properly to "my new life". Not that I'm complaining- after all being home is better than school. But now again, where the fuck am I?

"But please Toris, you would like totally look so cool in a skirt, I promise. Can't you, like, at least try it on?" Two guys (I think?) are walking past me one of them with chin-length blond hair and the other a brunette. The blond guy seems to be trying to shove a piece of pink fabric into the brunettes' face, whilst the other is trying to pry the blond of off himself.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I panic. It's him. It must be. Quickly I jerk away. "Don't touch me!" I scream and jump out of reach. Please, not again, not the first day back in a "normal" life. I don't want to be taken again. To repeat it all over. He's come to get me. There's no other explanation, why, why? "Please, don't touch me, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't touch me. I don't want to go, please." I continue to ramble while sinking down to the floor. I don't want it to happen again. I should run away. But I can't, please, no beating, no torture, no cutting, no… Oh god not again.

"Hey, hey? Are you okay? I won't touch you, I promise. It's okay." I don't know how long I've been on the ground when I hear the voice. I look up and see another boy, about the same age as me, maybe a little older, looking at me. He has curly brown hair, and green eyes, quite beautiful green eyes actually, wait, what am I saying ugly, I meant ugly I swear. I realize that he's looking down at me with concern, nothing sick or evil as it was with him. Ivan, The Demon. When I got out I finally got his real name. They said that it would help me recover, to see him as a person, an evil person but a person nonetheless, instead of a demon, something inhuman. So I got a name and an age. Ivan Braginski, 36 years old.

"Hey, are you okay? Please be okay. Don't die, I swear I won't touch you!" The pleading voice drags me out of my thoughts again.

"Of course I'm not dying, what are you staring at bastard", I say and glare at the boy, while standing up again. He just had to make me look like a complete idiot the first day I'm here, damn bastard.

"Oh good, you had me scared there for a second, amigo", he says and flashes me a smile. "Are you new here? 'Cause you looked kind of lost."

"Yes, I'm new damn it. Where is the damn reception?" I look around and see that there thankfully isn't anyone staring at me after what happened. Everyone is too busy talking to each other. Lucky for them.

"Ehm, you're standing right by it…" I look around and the boy points behind me. I turn and see a sign that says reception and a woman sitting behind a desk. Hm, fuck. Now I must _really _seem like an idiot. Not that I care what that bastard- that's still smiling at me- thinks. He's just some other idiot.

"Well, whatever." I glare at him and turn around to go to the damn magical reception.

"Hey, what's your name by the way? I'm Antonio."

"Why do you want to know, bastard."

"Because then we can be amigos and it would be stupid to have a whole conversation with someone without knowing their name and…"

"Fine, I'm Lovino, now go away."

"Oh Lovi, nice name." What did he call me?! My brother used to call me Lovi, no one else ever would, well and I wouldn't let anyone else call me that either. I haven't heard that name in over four years. Why, why is this random guy calling me Lovi. Shit. No one else than Feliciano can do that, damn it!

"Don't call me that ever again." I say clenching my fists and try- and succeed perfectly of course- with sounding as threatening as possible.

"But, why? It's just a nick name."

"That's none of your business, idiot." Can't he just get away, get out of my way, get out of my life.

"Well, but…"

"Hey Tonio, classes will start soon. You know how pissed the un-awesome teachers will be if we're late the first day." Some stupid German potato-accent says. I look behind Antonio and see two guys, one with white hair and skin, and red eyes. Must be an albino- I'm pretty sure he was the one talking. The other has longer blond hair and blue eyes, he also smiles very creepily at me- I don't like this.

"Ah, sorry I have to go now. Bye Lovi!" He runs away to the people I assume are his friends.

"I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT, BASTARD."

The day goes by pretty uneventful, except for some screaming at bastards who didn't understand that I don't approve of personal space-invading. And also, this school is fucking weird. There's not a single normal person here, not only the students, but the teachers as well is completely fucking crazy. Our math teacher has a gun a _gun_ with him. As for the students we have some very annoying, _very _American dude (which I suppose is to expect since we're in America- but still) that according to himself is a fucking hero, I think his name was Alfred or something stupid like that. We also have some British guy named Arthur that fights with the American all the time, and won't shut up about magic. Frikking magic. If that's not crazy I don't know what is. There's also some other guy that I'm pretty sure is Greek (or from somewhere close- it's not like I'm a fucking geography master) that has a _cat _with him. During the lesson. What if someone's allergic? And as far as I know you're not allowed to even bring pets to class. I mean come on.

When the last class (geography) finally is over I walk out the school and head home. School's pretty close to my house, only I ten minute or so walk, which is good since the sun is fucking burning. I know I'm from Italy so I should be used to it. But this is ridiculous, what happened since this morning? Well or since lunch I suppose since I, ehm, didn't fell like eating today. The cafeteria was way to gross, because I wasn't scared or something. Especially not of meeting the bastard or any of his friends again. Not at all.

AN: So, yeah. Now Lovino's in school and he had met Spain, excellent. If you didn't notice I've changed the rating to M since I realized that it will probably be needed for later. Anyways hope you're enjoying the story this far and that I don't mess up the American school system too much (since I'm not American myself).


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

_What's happening? Dark room. Gray, stained walls, gray hard floor. The stains are everywhere, varying in colour, from brown to red. They vary in size too. Some of them are small. Like splatters. Some of them are bigger. Some look like handprints, the bigger the hand, the redder the colour. _

_The reddest is still wet. Why am I here? Who am I? I can't remember anything. What are these stains? I lift up my arms and look at them. Then I blink. And look again. My arms are covered in blood. There are deep gashes in each forearm, red liquid dripping down on the floor. The cuts are clean, straight lines, a couple inches long and I can't see how deep. So much blood. Blood that's what these stains are. But why? I suddenly become aware of someone elses breathing and jerk my head up. Is there someone here to help? In front of me stands a tall man. He has a scarf and violet eyes. Looking at me. I look down at his body and see his hand. In that hand he holds a knife. A red dripping knife. I meet his eyes again and he smiles. Then the world starts to become blurry._

Another dream. Why? Why can't they just end? And no, it's not 'cause I'm scared or anything. It's just annoying. I'm trying to sleep but I can't get a single full nights sleep. Because my body always wakes up from these damn nightmares. I mean come on. Not a single full nights sleep in four years. Well I suppose that I slept a lot during the moths that I can't remember. But that doesn't really help now does it? So here I am once again. Awake. Three o'clock at night. Unable to fall asleep. Fucking shit.

This days first lesson just _had _to be PE didn't it? Because it just had to be my least favourite subject first thing in the morning after a night with only five hours of sleep. Of course it had to. Because the world just really likes to fuck with me don't it.

I walk into the changing room, that's already packed full with people and immediately wrinkle my nose. It smells so bad, old sweat and who knows what else. There's so many people in here and I can hardly breath, or hear what I'm thinking over all of the screaming. This shit does _not_ make me more pumped for the class, though I don't think that anything would have.

Some people here look older and with a sigh I remember that sophomores and juniors have PE together whilst freshmen and seniors gets to have it by themselves, bastards. Scuffling through people I manage to find an empty spot and I'm just about to take of my shirt when I realize what I'm doing. I can't change here. People are here. People that can see my scars. No. They can't. It's my body. Tey can't see it. They can't, they will have questions, damn it!

A bathroom. There's got to be a bathroom somewhere. I can change there. Yes. Great Lovino. You're the smartest person ever. Eh… And I was so not talking to myself there, nope!

When I open the door to get out of the bathroom I'm immediately greeted with two faces that I saw yesterday, the damn people that was with the Bastard I met before classes started.

"Why were you changing in there, little boy?" The albino says. What?

"Maybe you're not very… well endowed, don't worry everybody is different. But how small must you be to have hide in the toilet when you change?" the blonde continues while smiling creepily. Oh hell no! He did not just say that, that is _not _true! What the fuck are they doing here?

"What the fuck?! You can't just come here and say that, bastard! That's not true. You're both just deflecting from yourselves!"

"Kesesese, like we'd do that. You're the one that hid in there not us."

"Gil, Francis, what are you doing? Don't mess with him." The bastard from yesterday, Antonio, appears behind the other two, looking at them, face a lot harsher than it was yesterday. He is also shirtless, and holy shit is that dude good-looking? I mean creepy, definitely meant creepy. I'm not supposed to find men attractive damn it. And I don't, ever. Who walks around without a shirt anyways? Okay, we may be in a changing room I'll give him that. But still.

"Oh come on, Tonio, we were just having fun, new students got to learn who the awesomest people at this school is." The albino says, with a grin on his face. The awesomest people at school? Yeah right, the day I say I hate tomatoes _that _is the day that they are the awesomest people here. In other words, never.

"Come on amigos, stop it. Let the kid be, we're starting now." Antonio grabs the other two and pull them away.

"Bastard, like hell I needed your help, just leave me alone!" I scream at him before pushing past them and getting out in the sports hall. About ten people are already out there, and just as in my other classes there are very few girls, strange, and stupid since it means that there's only guys everywhere and guys are idiots. And, yes, I'm aware that I'm a guy myself. But there's always the exception that confirms the rule, right?

The teacher, some guy with long blonde hair and a serious expression, blows his whistle and everyone gather in the middle of the room, so I follow as everyone forms something that slightly resembles a circle.

"So", the teacher begins, "today we're going to play volleyball. I don't want to hear any complaints, just go put up the nets and come back here and I'll tell you what we'll do as a warm up." Everyone immediately goes in different directions to what I assume is putting up the nets. While I just stand there. Not quite sure where to begin. No, I've never played volleyball before, don't judge me, I haven't been in school since I was twelve if you remember!

"Why are you just standing there, go help the others, now." The gym teacher is suddenly standing in front of me and a quickly jump, I mean walk with the highest of grace, away from him_. Please don't get so close._

"Well I have never fucking played volleyball so how do you think I would know how to do, bastard." I say crossing my arms over my chest.

"Don't call me that ever again", the teacher says and gets closer, shit. "And if you swear in class again you will get detention, now go _ask _someone what to do and make yourself useful." I nod, for once deciding that I should be quiet. Well and because of the fact that I feel like I'm suffocating because of personal space invading. I walk towards the other students, trying to look like I help while I really just try not to panic. I have no damn reason to panic, it's not him. That's not exactly hard to see. And yet I can't breathe yet I feel like the hit will come any second. Why is my brain so damn stupid?

The teachers whistle brings me back to reality and I walk with the others to see what he wants this time.

"Now", he says when we reach him. "That you've set up the nets." Oh so that's what's happened. "We'll start with running for a while and then standing two and two just hitting the ball back and forth, then we'll start playing for real. Carriedo, you pair up with the new boy. Somehow he has missed every volleyball lesson there has ever been so teach him the rules and such. The rest of you just split up in pairs when it's time for that." I sigh, and now whatever idiot I'm paired up with will wonder how I've missed all previous lessons, and I will have to lie, again. Wonderful.

"Oh hey it's you again," a certain green eyed Spanish bastard (now in a shirt luckily) is suddenly standing in front of me.

"Well obviously, smart ass." I reply. Seriously, him. Again? Why does the universe hate me? Probably for still being alive, I think bitterly. Oh well, life's always been a bitch to me. Why would it end now?

"No, Lovino, you need to hit the ball with both of your hands, amigo. It will get much better." Why the hell is this so hard? And who came up with this sport? It's seriously the dumbest thing ever. And the ball that's supposed to come back to the bastard just fly away and hit other people. Who stare angrily at me, and I stare angrily at them back. Until the next ball comes and I shoot that at some other person.

"Damn it! It must be something wrong with these fucking balls!"

"These balls are just fine, mon ami." A french voice says before the bastard with long blond hair says and throws the ball that must have hit him back to me, I still don't know which one of him and the albino he's paired up with is Francis and which is Gilbert, nor do I care. They're both bastards. "Perhaps you just don't know how balls should be since you don't have any of your own."

"Francis, come on, stop it." Antonio says and looks at him with that serious face again. So different from the smile he has on all of the other times.

Just as I'm about to come with a smartass reply the coach whistles again and splits us up in four teams- and somehow I just had to end up with both the Bastard and the French pervert (apparently Francis, how ironic) in the same team. At least the Albino on the other team.

I end up standing in the back row- and after the Bastards lesson I know that I'm supposed to use bagger back here and not get in the way of the players in front of me. The game starts and there's people fucking _everywhere _getting in my way and taking all the balls that I'm supposed to have- damn idiot people. Suddenly the player in front of me- the loud blond American that's always fighting with the British dude- throws himself at the ball I'm about to take and manages to knock me down on the floor with him. Unsurprisingly- we both miss the ball.

"Damn bastard! What the fuck are you doing? That was my ball! If you had let me take it this wouldn't have happened!" I scream as I stand up again. Alfred also gets up- but the idiot's smiling the most stupid smile I've ever seen (with a possible exception of the Bastard, because that's probably a tie) and practically bounces of the ground.

"I'm sorry, dude, but I thought you needed help- and since I'm the hero I tried to help you!" Is he freaking serious? Me? Need help with this stupid game? Yeah right.

"Alfred, please, just get back to your bloody spot so that we can resume our game." The British guy, whose eyebrows that in normal cases looks like they will eat your brain is now looking like something out of this world- and it's not pretty. Alfred quickly jumps back and smiles sheepishly towards the Brit. Damn idiots.

After the game we go to the changing rooms again. I run there as quickly as possible, and manage to change before anyone else get into the room. I'm such a pro. I turn to go out, to the damn therapy, but a voice behind me apparently does not want me to do that.

"Hey, Lovi, eh Lovino, you actually did quite well for never having played before, especially that ball you took in the end, it was really good." It's the Bastard of course I notice when I turn around. He smiles his stupid smile and stares at me as if he thinks that I will answer him. Well maybe I will.

"Whatever bastard. Just leave me alone." There you happy now? I quickly walk out the door before he can reply. Why can't I just be invisible?

I really fucking hate these meetings. I need to sit down on a damn green armchair with an itchy fabric. Then in front of me on a similar chair sits probably the quietest man on earth. His name is Berwald or Doctor Oxenstierna (which I still have no fucking clue about how you should pronounce), he is from Sweden and is tall, blond and I don't think he has ever smiled at me. He just stares with some really scary face and writes things in his notepad. I wonder what though, since I almost never answer his questions. I do have some respect for him though, at least he's not keeping up any fake façade, he is real. I sit with my back towards the door, and Berwald for some reason keeps asking me if I want to swap chair with him, like I could not handle it. Bastard probably wants this chair to himself. Behind Berwald is a desk with an old-ass computer and next to it a picture. On the picture is Berwald, with something that if I had thought that it was possible for him almost looks like a smile, next to him is a shorter blond with a white hat. He smiles happily and has his arm around Berwalds waist and in front of them is a boy, I don't know how old. Maybe around ten, he's smiling a huge smile that shows that he's missing several teeth. Lovely.

"So, Lov'no, has everythn' gone okay with y'r new school? Have you t'lked to the other stud'nts?" Berwald has this weird accent, probably a fucking Swedish thing, it was damn hard to understand in the beginning though.

"Why do you want to know? It's my fucking life, not yours." This is how the conversation always starts.

"I'm try'n to h'lp you. I need to kn'w of everythn' that h'ppns." Well good for you, you Swedish gay excuse of a meatball, but you don't need to know. I don't want you to know. It's private. Mine. Not yours. And why would it help to tell you? Because it will "feel better"? Because you honestly want to help me? Or do you just want to know for your own interests? My life. Not yours. Private.

"I can help myself just fine, I don't need you to tell me how to handle anything."

"Lov'no, we've t'lk'd about th's b'fore. You kn'w th't ya need to t'lk. Or else you c'n't get through 't."

"Just shut up, bastard."

Berwalds face doesn't change at all; he just continues to stare at me- completely stone-faced. "C'n you t'lk 'bout Ivan? Do yah st'll call h'm the Dem'n in yer thoughts?"

"What if I do? It's not like you can read minds or anything- so it doesn't bug you. I can call him whatever the fuck I want to!" I cross my arms at this and look out the window behind Berwald.

"You kn'w that yah need t' realize th't he's h'man, not a dem'n. J'st a person. What he did was n't reight 'n any way, it may be c'lled inhum'n. But he is st'll a human. If ya th'nk of him l'ke that it'll be easier t' let go." I continue to look away from the stare I know is still there. The sun is still shining outside. And I can see the leaves on the trees swaying slightly in the wind. But then something, someone materializes just behind the glass. A scarf. A smile. Purple eyes. They stare at me and soon it's all I can see. The purple fills my vision and takes over me. He's here. For real. Coming to take me away again. Purple, violet, lavendercolored eyes. That's all that there is to the world now.

"Lov'no. Are ya 'key? Something snaps in front of my eyes. "Lov'no wh't are you seein'?" The purple disappears and it's only me and the Swede, that I very rarely are this happy to see, left in the office. He wasn't here. I sigh. This is far from the first time this has happened, and it's definitely not the first time it has happened in here. But I can't ever get used to it. Damn brain.

"I'm fine." I glance up at the clock- damn, still ten minutes left.

"Lov'no. We need t' t'lk 'bout this. You kn'w 't. What h'ppned this time?" The man's eyes doesn't leave me for a second as he speaks- not that they usually do- and he waits for my answer.

"No we don't. I'm leaving now, shrink bastard." I quickly go for the door and leave. This is how the conversation always ends.

_AN: And there we have Chapter two. Sorry about if the volleyball vocabulary isn't right, English isn't my first language and I'm not quite sure of the words. Hope you like the story anyways and thanks for all of the reviews and favourites I've gotten this far. _


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

_"Lovino, or should I say Lovi, as your brother called you? Just open your eyes. You know that you deserve it. Every last bit of it. You're mine. So why don't you just look at me?" Even though I know I shouldn't, I open my eyes. And see violet irises staring back at me, innocent smile, evil eyes. The demon. Always here. He slowly traces my face with his finger, down my temple and all the way to my chin. So soft, but just for now. I know it won't last. He'll hurt me, make me scream in agony. Soon. _

_"You know your such a cute boy Lovi. Such a pretty face." He lifts up my arm. "Such pretty arms as well. All of the scars, and wounds. Red, beige and white. Such a pretty combination."_

_Please make him stop. I don't want to, I don't want this. The Demon takes my chin in his hand and slam his lips onto mine. And even though I try to keep my lips closed his tongue slip past them and into my mouth. Stop it, stop it. Please just let go. I can't breathe. I'm crushed. Realizing that my arms are free I press them against the Demons chest, and actually succeed in getting him away. With my mouth free I start to take a deep breath, trying to stop feeling dizzy. But strong arms grab my own and I'm slammed into the wall, knocking the air out of me again. And the man with purple eyes are standing there again. Staring at me. _

_"Lovino, that was not nice. I just wanted to have you. You have to let me. You know that I'll take it anyways. But since you were so mean I will have to punish you, da?" He doesn't wait for an answer, he just slaps me. Hard enough for my head to hit the wall and my vision to become black for a second. But I don't feel any pain, just numbness. When I can see again he's already holds my wrists with one of his hands and pulling down my pants with the other. And I don't even try to kick, I don't move at all. Because what's the point? This has already happened so many times before. And never have I been able to stop it. So why even bother with trying? I'm already disgusting. Already tainted. Already dirty. The kind that you can't wash away. So I just let myself be moved around, let my clothes be taken of. It's not until I feel him inside me that I react, I scream._

The scream dies out as I open my eyes and tumble down on the floor. Not like that's what's important right now. Still completely wrapped up in my blanket I curl into a ball and bite my knuckles hard enough to taste blood. I'm not going to scream again. I'm not going to have my grandpa wake up and ask me what's wrong. He doesn't need to know. Nobody needs to know. Well both my grandpa and the Swedish shrink already know, but still. I don't want to tell them anything more. They already know how dirty I am. I'm sure that they're disgusted. Being taken. By a man. I'm a man. It's just wrong.

Why, why can't the dreams just end? I want to be normal. Just be another kid. I want my brother back. And I do not want to dream about being raped. Even less so, actually having been raped. Stop thinking about it, already. I don't want to feel his hands on my body. I don't want to. Stop it. Just stop it.

"Artie, Artie, look at this! This game is coming out soon and I want to sooo much. It has superheroes in it. Come on Artie look!" Alfred says while leaning on Arthur and trying to shove his cellphone in the Brits face.

"Get of me you bloody git! I don't bloody care about your game, you're crushing me!"

"Oh, sorry Artie. But you need to look. Pleeeeease!"

Why. Why do I have to be in school at eight in the morning listening to those idiots. Every fucking day during the two weeks I've now been here they have been yelling at each other. It's giving me a damn headache. And then, during the recesses you catch them making out in some corner where you wanted to sit and not at all hide until the next lesson. Damn gay morons. I can never just fucking be alone here like I want to. At least no one talks to me. I don't want them to talk to me and I've taught them how to keep a distance (screaming is a good tactic). I'll just get through these three years. I don't need to talk to anyone at all. It's not like that's mandatory.

"Listen up class!" our teacher says, this lesson is history so we have some old woman in ugly clothes. "This week we're going to start a project that we'll continue throughout this entire semester. Quite obviously it's history-related since that's what we're studying in this class, but you will all be in different time-eras. The project will be the major part of your grade this semester- so make sure you take it seriously. Each one of you will be assigned a certain time period, war or revolution to look in to. However, you will not be working alone, each one of you is paired up with a junior that you will do this project together with. This is a tradition that this school does every year and we feel like it really brings the year closer together. And when you work with your assignment- make sure to get to a deeper level of analysis. Make sure you write about the causes and the effects of whatever you have gotten. This is why it's so good to work together with someone else. Have discussions together and remember that there may not be one simple truth to everything."

Oh god no. Shit. I do not want to be paired with some scary bastard from another year. In fact, I don't want to be paired with anyone at all, I just want to do my damn schoolwork by myself. I don't want to talk to anyone damn it! Especially not today. Not after that dream. Just the thought of it makes me shake and I press my nails into my palm. Don't think about it. Luckily (almost) just then the juniors that apparently are paired up with someone of us come through the door. I recognize a few, like Antonio and the other two idiots, then there's some really serious looking guy with brown hair that Gilbert has been bugging the entire PE lessons, if I catched it right his name is Roderich or some other germanlike name. Then there's a bunch of other people, but only two girls. A brunette that glares at Gilbert (does that guy fuck with everyone?) and some Asian looking chick with a weird dress.

"So, now that everyone's gathered. Let's see who's paired up with who shall we?" Our teacher continues, seeming very giddy about the whole thing.

Different people get paired up, some seem happy, and some seem eh… not so happy.

"Oh god no! Not that bloody frog!" Arthur almost shout as Francis goes to stand by him, with a smirk on his lips.

"Ah, Arthur. Mon anglais little lapin. Seems like destiny got us together." Francis puts his arm around the Brits shoulders, who immediately almost jump onto Alfreds lap. As much as those two morons bug me, I do feel kind of sorry for anyone who gets paired up with that French bastardo. What did Arthur call him, frog? He does kind of look like a frog… if you squint really hard.

"Now, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo." The teacher continues, ignoring the chatter. It's probably the same every year.

"Si?" How can that bastard _always _be smiling like that? It can't be healthy for your face muscles.

"You are paired up with Lovino Vargas. You will be looking into The Cold War. It's a very important time, and I'm sure that you will find that it has affected our society in many ways." Are you fucking kidding me? This is not possible. It must be set up. It must be some kind of test to see how much patience I have or some shit. And now he's walking here smiling at me with white teeth like he's expecting me to smile back. And the Cold War, like Russians and stuff? I don't like Russians, not at all. Their accents are freaking creepy. And the Demon was, well is, Russian. Talking to me with slow words. Whispering with that accent. About how pointless I am, how stupid, how worthless. Now every time I hear a Russian speak, it just creeps into my skin.

"Oh, Lovino, seems like we're paired up again. Kinda funny." Funny? That's one way to put it. Like he doesn't know about the stupid trick they're trying to play with me! Damn bastards.

"Whatever you Spanish bull torturing churro bastard."

"Eh? I would never hurt a bull, they're innocent animals!" Antonio looks shocked at me, like even the thought of hurting a bull is too much for him. I just sigh and look towards the front of the classroom. Refusing to look at the Spaniard that's now standing next to my seat. The rest of the students are being split up in pairs and getting their time era, until everyone is having someone behind their chair.

"Wonderful. Now that you're all split up it's time to start working! There's still half of the lesson left so make sure to start looking this up and talk to your new friend about how to lay up the work. And, yes, it is important to start now even though you have the whole semester to finish it. This is a big task and there won't be any time to do it last minute." The teacher says, still seeming way too happy. Does she enjoy the almost everyone in here seems to have been paired up with someone they don't like? Seriously she's weird.

"So, Lovino, I guess that we will have to check out what we're supposed to do, shall we? I got this paper before we got here, it says what we're supposed write and what's important in our text." Antonio seems as happy as the teacher, but with a much brighter (and whiter) smile.

"I suppose that we have to." Why, why, I don't want to. Damn these damn group (well pair) assignments and damn whoever the bastard was who came up with the idea that it was good to make students from different grades "be friends". Just fuck it all.

"… and it's important to make connections between the past and present. And don't forget to put all of your sources on the papers. And that's all it says." Oh, seems like Antonio was talking throughout all of my cursing. Oh well, that was more important anyways.

"Yeah, yeah. And all that stuff. "

"Yeah, we could go find a book in the library and read in that to see what the thing is about. To, like, get the basics of it before we start writing. Like the ms Lee told us to."

"I guess we have to." I sigh and then stand up and Antonio and I walk out of the now half empty classroom up to the third floor which pretty much only is the library and computers. Most of the computers are taken, people sitting there either by themselves or in small groups, more or less working on something (maybe mostly less).

The Bastard gather a bunch of books that seem to be about the cold war from the history section of the library and we sit down by some of the old tables in the back of the room. Antonio takes the chair next to me and pulls it closer to mine than I would have liked, damn idiot, and opens up the first book. It's fairly new and creaks slightly when it's opened. I take up another book and find a section about reasons for why the "war" started and start reading.

"So, Lovino, why did you change school now? Did something happen on your old school?" Antonio asks after a while of (blissfully) quiet reading.

"In what sort of way is that your business bastard?! I just had to start here, it wasn't exactly my choice." Shit, this is the type of questions I've dreaded since I started here, part of the reason to why I have refused to talk to anyone.

"Sorry, didn't mean to offend you, it was just a question." Stop flashing those smiles at me bastard, they're making it hard for me to glare at you. "But do you like the school this far?"

"It's a fucking school. You can't like it, and the people here are freaking weird. Now stop talking to me, we're supposed to work." Not like I've read something in the last five minutes but instead just looked around the room at all the other morons.

"But this assignment is also for us to create friendships between the different years- so therefore we need to get to know each other." Eh, shit, what can I answer to that? And why does he even want to talk to me? He already has friends and doesn't need to hang out with someone from a grade under his own. And why me? I'm no one special, I'm annoying, weird, grumpy and can never be happy or pleased with anything. There's no reason for him to talk to me. Maybe he's just trying to get a better grade and get the teachers to like him by being nice to the 'new kid'.

"Whatever bastard. Like I care about what we're supposed to do."

"Well I do. And I like talking to you so I won't stop. And if you don't want to talk about why you're here we can talk about other stuff. Like your family, do you have any siblings?" Shit, shit, shit, shit. No. Why of all questions? Well it's not strange I suppose but why? Feli's face flashes before my eyes. Smiling at first, but then it turns cold. Blood smeared on his forehead. No. Why you Spanish moron?

"I-I…" Shit what am I supposed to answer? "My brother's dead. There, now you have an answer to your question."

Antonio's smile quickly fades and his eyes widen. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to… I'm really sorry." He moves as to put a hand on my shoulder, which I dodge and he looks even more apologetic. After that we just sit there in silence for a while until I for some reason feel bad for the bastard and decide to speak.

"Well, it's not like you could know I suppose. But you're still a bastard."

"Thanks Lovino. And I sort of figured that one out." Antonio smiles weakly at me.

"So, have you always lived here?" I ask, changing subject. "Not like I care or anything."

"Ah, no my parents are from Spain and we moved here when I was six. My dad got a job here so… yeah." The Bastard seems happy about the change of subject as well, though he still looks at me a little worried. Like anything he can do would help.

"Hm." That explains the slight accent he has. At least it's not a potato one. "And then you started hanging out with those morons?"

"Haha, Gil and Francis are not morons, they're fun. Sure they can be a bit mean sometimes and Francis is the biggest pervert the world will ever know… But they are actually really nice when you get to know then." I have to bite my lip to not smile Antonio's happy expression that is back now that we're talking about something cheerier. Weird, it's not like I care about what he's feeling.

"Pssh, nice yeah right. They're just some…" My response gets cut off by the bell ringing telling us that this lesson is over. I quickly pack my stuff and stand up, taking half of the books with me to set them back at the shelves.

"I guess I'll see you later then, Lovi." Antonio's voice makes me turn back around when I just had turned to go.

"It's not like I have any choice." I answer before quickly walking away so that he can't see the smile that's somehow made its way to my face.

_AN: Yes Lovino I'm totally testing your patience. I'm sure you won't mind. Eh... Please review everyone I want to hear your opinions on my story._


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

_"Hey, disgusting kid, wake up." What's that voice? "I said wake up! Are you too stupid to understand?" _

_I open my eyes, blinking a couple times to get rid of the blurriness after my sleep. In front of me is a girl, maybe seventeen or eighteen years old, sitting in a blue dress with a white ribbon in long silver blond hair. His sister. The Demons sister is here. That means food that I don't want. She takes her hand and pushes her hair out of her eyes before locking her blue eyes with mine and smirking._

_"Oh, so you heard me then?" She has a plate in her hands and she puts it at my feet. "Eat."_

_"No." My voice is hoarse, barely more than a whisper and I clear my throat to get it away. _

_"Oh, come on stupid kid, we've been over this before. My big brother wants me to feed you so that's what I'm doing and it doesn't matter if you don't want to. I will just stuff your mouth again." The girl says taking a piece of bread of the plate and coming closer to me. "Open your mouth idiot."_

_When I don't she takes my head and forces my jaw down to open my mouth before stuffing it with a piece of the bread and pressing my lips closed again. I try to speak and break away, but she's strong and all I can get out is some strange muffled sound._

_"There, now I have fed you. Big brother will be so happy with me. He'll want to marry be without doubt. He will marry me. Must marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Yes, big brother one day…" She rambles walking out the room after forcing me to swallow. Her steps, so much lighter than the Demons, tiptoeing up the stairs. _

"So, Lovino. Maybe we should start writing this time. Taking notes of the important stuff and the more basic facts before we start going into the more advanced things and that cause and effect thing that ms Lee was talking about?" It's two days later and another history lesson. Fantastic. Our teacher just held another short speech going over the same things she did last time (why the fuck do teachers always do that?) and then let us go work in the library. So here Antonio and I are once again, sitting by the same table as last time even. The only difference is that it's ridiculously hot today and I feel like I'm going to sweat 'til I'm made of coal.

"I guess." The Bastard grins and pulls up a note-book and a pencil from his bag, I notice that it has a little turtle hanging off the zipper, and roll my eyes at it.

"So the Cold War was not really a war and that's why it was given its name because the war never actually got 'hot'. It started after the Second World War, so about 1945 and it ended with the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1990. But, even though America and Soviet never had an actual war between them they often took sides in others conflicts and helped different sides that supported their side. The different sides were that America was, and still is capitalistic whilst Soviet was communistic, this lead them to despise each other and they tried to get other countries to have the same ideology as themselves. That's about true, right?" Eh, wait. He asked me a question. I wasn't at all too busy staring at his face to really comprehend what he was saying. I wouldn't do that. I don't know anything about the Cold War either. Damn, this essay will be hell.

"Right, I, uh, I think so. You're the older one you should know more than me anyways." Actually we're probably the same age, I would have been in his grade if it wasn't for the Demon.

"I guess, but I'm not exactly known as the smartest person ever either."

"You don't say?" We go back to looking at the books in silence. I knew the bastard woudn't come up with a comeback for that one.

"It's so hot out today, right Lovino? It's like it's July again, but in the end of September." Antonio says after a minute without speaking while fanning himself with his papers.

"Yeah, damn weather. I hate it, it's not natural for it to be this warm now."

"I don't even know how you're surviving in that shirt. I'm already sweating to death in my t-shirt. Why don't you take it off?"

"W-well, actually it's not bothering me that much… I just feel like keeping it on." Damn, damn, damn sun. I always wear long-sleeved shirts. Even in PE, even when I'm sleeping, when no one even sees me. Because my scars will show if I don't. All of them. Crossing in some weird pattern on my arms. I don't want to see them. They're disgusting. Everyone would stare at me if I showed them. They would wrinkle their noses, see what a dirty failure I am. That's why I'm keeping this sweater on, bastard.

Antonio just chuckles at me. "You're so weird Lovino. But if you want to sweat to death, then fine. But don't blame me."

"Shut it, bastard."

"Oh come on I can see that you are smiling,"

"I am so not!" And if I happened to be it's just because you look so damn stupid when you're laughing.

"Yeah you are!" Antonio pokes my cheek playfully and instead of jerking away I somehow start laughing instead and soon we're both bent over the table laughing at something that wasn't even close to funny. Damn bastard, no one else would make me do something so stupid.

"Excuse me, but this is a library, you need to keep down your voices." The school-librarian stands at our table, arms crossed, while glaring at us.

"Oh, sorry. We forgot, we'll keep quiet now." Antonio answers flashing his smile at her and I swear that bitch is swooning a little. Stupidass thing, she must be fifteen years older than him. Our conversation dies a little after that and we go back to the stupid assignment.

"Finally, lunch!" Antonio exclaims when the bell rings and he immediately starts packing down his stuff in his backpack. "Oh yeah, Lovino, do you want to come? I never see you in the cafeteria." That's because I don't eat there, bastard.

"What, and like eat with you and the perverts, no way in hell!" What is he thinking with? The turtle on his backpack?

"Come on Lovi, eh, Lovino it'll be fun. They won't do anything bad." God damn it what's with that innocent, clueless smile.

"Fine." I finally sigh and follow him out from the library.

"Ah, Tonio you bought the little kid." The fuck-face German says when we reach a table in the huge cafeteria. Along with Gilbert, Francis is also sitting at the table. At first I think that they are the only ones there, but then I see the other guy next to Gilbert. He looks a bit like Alfred, but at the same time entirely different. This kid has longer hair and just a generally different aura around him. Unlike Alfred this kid seems shy and he avoids eye contact, he also hasn't introduced himself yet which Alfred would definitely have done. Though he wouldn't have introduced himself as Alfred but as "the American Hero that'll save the frikkin' world".

"Si, and he's not a little kid, he's Lovino." Antonio then turns to me but gestures towards the boy I haven't met before. "And Lovino, that's Matthew."

"Hi." The boy whispers before quickly looking down again. Weird kid, why's he so quiet? Normally I want people to stop their fucking talking, but this kid, Matthew, seems to be the opposite. I almost wish that he would've spoken louder.

"Ohnhonhon, why don't you sit here, little kid." The French bastard says before attempting to pull me down next to him.

"Don't touch me, pervert!" I jerk my arm out of his grasp and almost drop my glass of water in the process. Damn bastard, what if my shirt would've gotten wet?

"Moi? Pervert? Non, not at all I merely wanted you to sit here so that we could talk a little." Bastard is still staring at me funny, definitely a pervert. _Please get those eyes away from me .I hate that look. _

"Yeah right! You know that you're a fucking French slimy snail pervert and you…"

"Lovino, calm down, he doesn't mean anything bad." Antonio cuts in. "And Francis stop it, he's not yours."

Yours. Yours. _You're mine. _The Demons voice slithers into my thoughts. I am not anyone's. I am mine. My own. _You are mine. _No. I am mine. My own. No one will ever own me. Not ever. Mine.

"Lovino? Are you okay? You look a little green." What was that sound? Almost like a whisper. Oh wait, a question.

"Of course I'm fucking okay! Don't be so nosey!" I scream in the direction of the voice that seems to be talking. Turns out to be Matthew, no wonders I couldn't hear at first.

"Hey, don't you dare talk to Birdie like that!" Birdie who? Then I see him putting his arm around Matthew's shoulder and pulling the boy close to him. Oh.

"Whatever." Is all I answer before finally putting my tray down on the table (as far away from Francis as possible) and sit down with Antonio next to me.

"So, Gilly, how's the day this far?" Antonio asks turning to look at Gilbert who's currently trying (with emphasis on _trying_) to steal Matthews food since he's already finished his own.

"Well, you know, I've been awesome. Just like I always am, trying to spread that to the world, but for some reason being yelled at by the teachers. You know, what I do every day." Gilbert answers, talking about twice as high as would be needed and finally stopping with his food-stealing attempts.

"Maybe if you wouldn't have insulted our teachers accent you wouldn't have been yelled at, especially not when you have an accent yourself, eh?" Matthew whispers, but with a little smirk on his lips and I can't help but to let out a snicker. How stupid can he be? Seriously, I know potatoes are stupid, but that was a new level.

"Hey, Birdie, you don't question awesome. And I actually took your advice about not asking about the gun." Gilbert makes a fake-offended face at Matthew who just rolls his eyes. What's going on with those two? No one else seems to care though.

"Ah, so you're talking about that weird math's teacher, oui?" That French thing comments. "He almost shot me when I suggested he wore some more fashionable clothes. Me, Francis Bonnefoy, who could do that?"

"Meh, I have a pretty neutral opinion of him really, he can't be that bad." Antonio of course, can that guy think badly of _anyone_?

"No, no that dude's crazy he shouldn't be allowed to have that fucking gun with him, you gotta agree with that, Tonio!" Gilbert exclaims, even louder and I'm not quite sure about if I should facepalm or agree with him (because the bastard is actually right). Guess lunch might not have been a _horrible _idea after all. Maybe. _

"L'vino, t'day I thought th't we should t'lk a bit m're about yer broth'r. Can you t'll, me about when he died?" I am at that Swede's office again. Sitting facing him in that chair with his stoneface looking at me through glasses and asking way too many questions.

"No."

"L'vino, you n'd to, 't's imp'rtant." But I don't want to fucking think about it.

_"Ve, ve. Lovi we're going on a road-trip it going to be so much fun, right? We're going to go in the car and then we're going to eat, maybe even pasta. And maybe we'll stop at someplace fun. Lovi, ve, don't you agree?"_

_"We're only going to be away for a couple hours, Feli, that's hardly a road-trip. And we're going to the beach, I'll get sand everywhere and it'll be way too hot and the sun will be shining in my eyes and no it won't be fucking fun." I answer, walking the short distance from our house to the car that my parents already are sitting in. My brother is bouncing next to me holding a bag filled with his bathing stuff and he's humming something with a smile as happy as ever on his face. Everyone's favorite Feliciano. The cutest and best kid in the world. And me, the mean big brother that destroys the picture of the perfect family._

_"But, Lovi, it'll be awesome. And we can swim together and pick seashells on the beach and eat ice cream and pasta and you can eat tomatoes. It'll be perfect, Fratello." _

_"Whatever." We've now reached the car and I open the door on my side and slide in, followed by Feli who's seated next to me._

_My dad and I are both quite quiet people, whilst Feli and mom always chats on and on for hours about one thing after another. This car drive is no different and they have now covered the subjects; cats (which type is the fluffiest), sand (building sandcastles is so much fun), pasta (this subject seems never-ending in their eyes) and which ice cream is the best (they both agreed on chocolate). And now they feel like it's time for me to join their conversation._

_"Lovino, isn't it going to be fun at the beach?" Mom asks and her smile that's usually as wide as my brothers' always weakens a little when she looks at me, the failure instead of the cute offspring she created._

_"No. I don't know why you even made me go. I don't fucking want to." I look out the window, at the fields that we are passing, instead of into my mother's eyes. I don't want to see the ever-present disappointment there. _

_"Lovino, language. Your brother never curses and you shouldn't either." There, of course. What I've been waiting for. The comparison that there always is. I'm never as good. Will never be as good and will never be a true part of this family. Simple as that._

_"Whatever. He's just too dumb to even know how to." I mumble, too quiet for the rest of the car to hear. Everything is quiet for a moment before mom and Feli are babbling on again. This goes on for another ten minutes before _it _happens. Another car comes out of nowhere and it crashes into ours on the left side. Feli's side. Our car slides to the side almost down in a ditch, but stopping right at the edge. My head smashed against the window during the crash and the whole world is spinning. What just happened?_

_When hearing a soft whimper at my left I try to turn my head that way. What happened to Feli? At first all I can see is a blur of different colors. But blinking a few times I manage to clear my vision. And immediately feel sick. My brother, mio fratello. So much blood. Feliciano's face is covered of it, most of it coming from a cut over his eyebrow._

_ "L-Lovi." Feli's eyes are blinking like he's trying to focus like I was, seconds ago and his breathing is wheezing. "It hurts, my chest," His voice is barely a whisper. It's a wonder how I can even hear what he's saying. Wait. His chest hurts. I look down at it and if I weren't already so numb I might have actually thrown up. Some type of metal thing is sticking out of the left side. Feli's light-blue shirt coloured dark red around it. No. No. No. Please. The wheezing sound continues, sounding more and more strained._

_A hand is weakly held out to me and I take it. Gripping it tightly and feeling tears form in my eyes. _

_"Feli, Feli you'll be alright, I promise. I won't let go." I don't get any answer. And I continue to hold that hand, long after it has ceased gripping mine. Because I promised to keep holding it. I can't break that. But eventually someone makes me release my grip. And take him away, away from me, from the screaming crying mess I was. Why Feli?_

"I'm going to go home now." I rise up from the green chair, take my bag and quickly rushes out the room.

"L'vino, wait! We n'd to t'lk about th's!" I think I hear the Swede say behind me. But I don't reflect over it. I just want to go home. I am not going to cry, especially not in front of that shrink.

_AN: So that's how Feliciano died. Yep. And this history-lesson was later in the day than the last one, so no they don't eat lunch at 9.30 in the morning. And apparently Matthew's older than Alfred here, oh well. Sorry about this being a little late, but the chapter just wouldn't come out properly. And it might take a little more than a week between the chapters now (unless we're really lucky) since school will be a bitch the rest of this semester. Anyways, until next time…._


End file.
